Introduction
Have you ever listened to someone else talk through a problem or situation and felt the urge to offer them advice or solutions? That’s the righting reflex, which is the subject of this blog post. In this instalment we’ll explore further what the righting reflex is, and why it can be a problem. We’ll also look at how we can manage it, and ways in which we can respond other than ‘fixing’.
Background
One of the tasks I enjoy most in my work is helping education practitioners to learn coaching skills. Coaching involves working with another person to help them, for example, to think through a situation they are facing and what they might do about it. When I’m training people to coach, it usually involves a live practice exercise; this requires the delegates to use a coaching approach to help another person to think through a real-life problem they are facing or a goal they want to achieve. What trainees often notice when they undertake this exercise is how compelled they feel to offer the person an opinion or solutions, and how hard it can be to hold back and allow the person time and space to think through the situation for themselves. What the delegates are experiencing here – and what we can all experience from time to time - is what Miller & Rollnick (2002) refer to as the righting reflex.
The righting reflex: A natural human tendency
The righting reflex refers to “a built in desire to set things right” (Miller & Rollnick, 2002, p. 20), and it tends to be activated when we hear another person talking about a way in which their reality is different from how they want things to be. When we perceive this discrepancy, our natural human inclination is to want to offer guidance or solutions to set things right, or steer the person onto the ‘right’ path, by saying things like:
Certainly, the natural human tendency to want to fix any problems we see before us can be very strong, since our minds are, in essence, problem-solving machines (Harris, 2008). However, there are dangers with responding in this way.
- “Why don’t you try….?”
- “I think….”
- “What I would do is…“
- “You could try...”
Certainly, the natural human tendency to want to fix any problems we see before us can be very strong, since our minds are, in essence, problem-solving machines (Harris, 2008). However, there are dangers with responding in this way.
Dangers of succumbing to the righting reflex
Think about times when you have spoken to someone else about a problem you are experiencing, and the other person has responded by quickly offering you possible solutions. How did that feel? How did you react? Depending on the circumstances, you may have experienced some of the following reactions:
Clearly, we are treading into potentially dangerous waters when we quickly succumb to the righting reflex, risking provoking resistance or leaving the person with a sense that we just don’t understand. More importantly, the act of offering solutions actually prevents us from demonstrating a number of other behaviours.
- Feeling one-down: Having a sense of feeling a bit inferior to the person who is offering their sage advice to your problem or situation.
- You don’t understand: Thinking that the person offering solutions hasn’t quite understood the key aspects of your reality. “Hmmm. I don’t think you get it.”
- Feeling disempowered: Suggestions can stop us from thinking for ourselves, when we might otherwise have been able to come up with a way forward of our own. “Thanks for that. You didn’t think I could get there by myself?”
- Feeling resistant: Experiencing an urge to point out why the person’s solution won’t actually work. “Yes, but…”
- Being on different pages: You may not see the relevance of the solution to your situation, or the solution may lead to a different outcome than the one you want. “No, that’s not it.”
- Feeling a lack of ownership: Someone else’s idea just doesn’t feel like yours. You may feel less invested, or less inclined to carry it out.
- Abdication of responsibility. Following the other person’s advice, with the sense that if things go wrong it’s their fault. “Okay, if you say so.”
Clearly, we are treading into potentially dangerous waters when we quickly succumb to the righting reflex, risking provoking resistance or leaving the person with a sense that we just don’t understand. More importantly, the act of offering solutions actually prevents us from demonstrating a number of other behaviours.
What the righting reflex prevents
If we respond by offering solutions, we risk missing the following key opportunities:
- To listen: If we’re telling someone else our ideas, or talking about our own experience, we’re not listening to them. Rather, we’re sticking our own oar in, or grabbing the wheel and steering down a path of our choosing.
- To give the person space: Sometimes talking things through helps a person to clarify what is bothering them about their situation, and if we jump in then we prevent them from doing this. Similarly, sometimes people just need to talk, and if we take over it interferes with their ability to do so.
- To understand: Have we really understood? We might have misinterpreted what the person is saying, or not understood an important detail. Offering solutions prevents us from discovering this.
- To demonstrate understanding: If we’re offering solutions, then we’re not necessarily communicating our understanding of what the person has said, so the person doesn’t really know if we’ve ‘got it’ or not. Think about times when someone else has communicated their understanding of your perspective, and you believed they understood. Powerful, isn’t it? What does it do to your willingness to keep talking with that person?
- To express empathy: If we’re offering solutions, we aren’t communicating an understanding of how the person may be feeling; sometimes, this is all that is wanted!
- To find out more: If we’re offering solutions, we aren’t encouraging the person to keep talking, or making an effort to find out more about their reality.
Alternatives to offering solutions
So, instead of offering solutions, we might:
If we can do those things, we stand a much greater chance of getting onto the same page as the person and helping them to feel understood. In addition, it may provide them with a space in which they develop greater insight into what is happening or begin to see a way forward for themselves.
- Listen, and show that we are listening.
- Give the person space to talk.
- Try to understand; ask questions that encourage the person to clarify or elaborate.
- Check our understanding by telling the person what we think we’ve heard and summarizing the key points (“So if I hear you correctly….”).
- Express empathy: “Sounds like you’re feeling….”, “You sound….”
- Find out more: Asking questions that encourage the person to keep talking.
If we can do those things, we stand a much greater chance of getting onto the same page as the person and helping them to feel understood. In addition, it may provide them with a space in which they develop greater insight into what is happening or begin to see a way forward for themselves.
Conclusions
The righting reflex refers to our natural human tendency to want to set things right. In conversations with other people, it can manifest as an impulse to offer solutions when someone else is talking about a problem they are facing or a goal they want to achieve. While the righting reflex is normally driven by a well-intentioned desire to help, quickly offering solutions may not be the most helpful thing we can do in a given moment. Instead, we can learn and practise ways of responding that give the person space, help them to feel understood, and encourage them to talk further about what they’ve said. While we must acknowledge the righting reflex as a natural human tendency, it doesn’t mean we have to allow it to drive our behaviour.
Reflection questions
1. To what extent have you experienced the righting reflex? To what extent have you seen it in others?
2. In what circumstances or relationships might it be helpful for you to respond with some of the alternative behaviours described above?
2. In what circumstances or relationships might it be helpful for you to respond with some of the alternative behaviours described above?
References
Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap. London: Constable & Robinson Ltd.
Miller, W. & Rollnick, S. (2002). Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People for Change. New York: The Guilford Press.
Miller, W. & Rollnick, S. (2002). Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People for Change. New York: The Guilford Press.