Introduction
Greetings to everyone who is taking time to read this blog article. This article explores a part of my own recent life experience, while capturing and sharing some examples of coping strategies that can help when we are dealing with grief, depression and difficult live events. In my case, this relates to significant health issues, and this article may be of interest to people in a similar position; at the same time, I also wonder if the themes might have broader relevance. I hope this is of some help or interest to others, and invite others to share their own experiences and coping strategies if willing to do so.
Background
I have Multiple Sclerosis, which first manifested in the relapse-remitting form in 2008, before turning into the secondary progressive form of MS in 2020. Since then, I have become disabled, experiencing increased difficulties with mobility, pain, fatigue, and sensory disturbance (among other delights). This has been accompanied by a number of losses, ranging from the trivial to those which are more significant to me (e.g. given how quickly my left leg runs out of stamina, I have lost the ability to cycle as I regularly used to do for both exercise and as a well-being supportive strategy). The extent of my difficulties can fluctuate over time, ranging from being present but manageable, through to being a daily challenge, through to (at times of a severe relapse/flare-up) being completely debilitating over extended periods. Unpredictability is a salient feature.
When the cloud descends...
One of the common features of Multiple Sclerosis (affecting around 50% of those with the condition at one point or other – see the MS Society website), as well as physical changes in e.g. mobility, pain, fatigue, sensory experience etc, is (understandably) cyclical periods of grief and all its colourful emotions (depression, anger etc) associated with repeated experiences of loss and change. Contributory factors might include, for example: awareness of the loss of certain opportunities (both in the present and in the future); having to let go of and reshape future plans, dreams and aspirations; being unable to do things one used to be able to do; cumulative weariness from the impact of other symptoms and how much more of a slog life can be as a result; and – and this is a significant one for me – awareness of the impact of the condition on my loved ones (both emotionally and in terms of any challenges/limitations they experience as a result, including what the future might have in store for them). When such thoughts are foremost in one’s mind, they can weigh heavy indeed.
While I accept that going through such emotions is an understandable reality, and I do my best to cope, I do find those periods difficult, as being in such a mental state makes me feel even further away from the ‘Adams-ness’ of myself, if that makes any sense. I have spent much of my life being a naturally buoyant person with a high degree of vitality and creative drive, and when the clouds descend that person seems frustratingly out of reach – almost as if it’s someone else entirely. At such times, I do my best to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and to try to limit the impact of the cloud on those around me (though my wife is keenly attuned and can read me ridiculously easily).
While I accept that going through such emotions is an understandable reality, and I do my best to cope, I do find those periods difficult, as being in such a mental state makes me feel even further away from the ‘Adams-ness’ of myself, if that makes any sense. I have spent much of my life being a naturally buoyant person with a high degree of vitality and creative drive, and when the clouds descend that person seems frustratingly out of reach – almost as if it’s someone else entirely. At such times, I do my best to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and to try to limit the impact of the cloud on those around me (though my wife is keenly attuned and can read me ridiculously easily).
Coping with grief/depression, one small step at a time
Image Copyright Charlie Mackesy (see references)
A friend made the observation/suggestion that it might be of help or interest to others for me to document my experience, given that (her wise words), “sometimes someone else’s words help explain what’s difficult to explain”. Indeed, I am aware (both in my professional and personal lives) of many people and families who are dealing with similar challenges. I have therefore documented my experience on this occasion, in case this is of any interest or benefit to others. I also wonder if it might be helpful to record and share some of the actions I took that helped me to navigate this recent period:
- Allowing myself time and permission to just rest under a blanket when needed.
- Talking honestly and openly with my wife, connecting about where we’re ‘at’, our feelings, and how we are managing. Holding each other both physically and emotionally.
- Getting out into nature, even in a limited way (e.g. my wife driving us to a green area and then us not having far to walk to be immersed in grassland (with a camping chair) with a view of the horizon and trees; sitting in the garden with my three cats around me, feeling the sun and breeze on my face and enjoying the colours and smells of the plants).
- Changing the expectations I place upon myself so as to show myself more kindness and compassion. Focusing on what I can realistically do and control in priority order, rather than allowing my attention to be pulled in multiple different directions.
- Carrying out small acts of kindness for others (see Bolier et al, 2013, for a meta-analytical review of the evidence of positive psychology interventions on wellbeing and depression).
- Accepting (without liking) the reality that such thoughts and feelings are going to be an occasional part of this journey (c.f. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – see Harris, 2009, for example), noticing their presence and letting them come and go without resisting them.
- Acting in accordance with my values despite my feelings; for example, even though there have been mornings when I have just wanted to crawl under a duvet and remain there, I have made positive contributions in different domains: (i) through work, such as work in schools, work with those to whom I provide online coaching or supervision, and through delivering a workshop at the recent PositiviTEA Positive Psychology Conference organised by Dr Fiona Coley and Maxine Caine; (ii) as a husband and father, e.g. supporting my wife with some of the challenges/demands that she’s been facing, supporting my son to deal with the escalating challenge of Year 11 revision, and checking in with our daughter as she starts her second year of Uni. Again, this reflects a key principle of ACT, in that one retains a focus on engaging in values-congruent action despite the inevitable difficulties that life brings.
- Going out to have a pleasant experience that isn’t too demanding on me being ‘social’ (e.g. going to the cinema with my wife). Sometimes it can be all-too-tempting to just stay at home, but I have found that girding myself to deal with the physical challenge of going out can be worth it in terms of the emotional benefit.
- Spending time with our three cats, enjoying their company, their purrs, the feel of their fur and their different personalities.
- Finding comfort in e.g. watching a friend’s video clips of the foxes and hedgehogs she has as night-time visitors to her garden (while making sure not to spend too much time 'doom scrolling' on social media). Animals and nature can warm my spirits even at the most difficult of times.
- Humour. It can be hard to feel humorous when one in this state, but there are some things that cut through – such as this hilarious and clever song that ‘The Kiffness’ made as a parody of one of the many ridiculous things Donald Trump said in the recent presidential debate.
- At the weekend, rather than succumbing to the urge to remain in bed past midday, forcing myself to get out of bed, have a shave with a brand-new razor blade (always a moment to savour), and to re-engage with exercise. My physical pain, emotional state and levels of fatigue had led me to drift towards being more sedentary over the first few weeks of term, but I forced myself to engage with my physio-recommended stretching routine and to spend 20 minutes on the exercise bike while listening to music.
- Making contact with friends and colleagues. There are times when the cloud is upon me that I just want to withdraw into my cave, but I have found that it is worth fighting this impulse.
- Distracting myself by e.g. watching the football (come on you Gunners!); playing online chess and solving online chess puzzles; and watching quality (or 'so bad it's good') TV or films with my wife/family.
- Music. This, for me, is a biggie. Again, one of the insidious things about depression is that it can lead one to find less enjoyment in things that one would usually enjoy, and I had indeed lacked the desire to listen to music as I normally do; however, the release of a new Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds album (‘Wild God’) was too great a temptation to ignore. Serendipitously, there are a number of songs on the album that have been a friend to me lately, resonating with me and speaking to me about my own and my wife’s journey along this path (it’s incredibly eerie how, over the years, the writing in each of Nick Cave’s releases has seemed to reflect what’s going on for us at the time, and has been just what I/we needed to hear). On this occasion, the song ‘Joy’ has, among others, been a particularly helpful and beautiful companion; if you haven’t listened to it, and are interested, I invite you to give it a try, either by listening on Spotify or YouTube. Or, you can just read the lyrics here (https://www.nickcave.com/lyric/joy/), though you may not get the full emotional impact of the song's beauty.
It's impossible to single out any one of these strategies as being ‘the thing’ that made the difference, and it certainly wasn’t a linear pathway; I think they all played a cumulative and interrelated part, and it took several weeks before my feelings changed. But, gradually, change they did. Having just been through approximately three weeks of loss-related grief/depression, the last three days have seen a noticeable improvement in my mood (and – unexpectedly and fortuitously – my physical condition; I guess all of our systems are truly interrelated). The black dog (as Leonard Cohen used to call it) has returned to its kennel for now, and the cloud no longer obscures the sun. Adams is back, and I’m glad to welcome him in all his complex, fallible individuality.
Conclusion
In conclusion, my journey through loss-related grief and depression can be summarized as: acknowledging what’s happening; shifting to ‘one foot in front of the other’ mode; drawing upon the aforementioned list of coping strategies (and others – it would have been too lengthy for me to list them all here); and then letting time do its work.
If this account has resonated with you in any way, and you feel willing to share your experience (either privately via email or more publicly in the blog comments section), I would be honoured to hear your thoughts.
If this account has resonated with you in any way, and you feel willing to share your experience (either privately via email or more publicly in the blog comments section), I would be honoured to hear your thoughts.
Postscript: A Random Act of Kindness
I am going to leave you with a short tale of a random act of kindness that took place on the day I wrote this article.
Earlier in the day, I was waiting in a garage for my car exhaust to be fixed. When I first walked in, the guy behind the counter asked me how I was, to which I replied: “Good, thanks. I’ve got Multiple Sclerosis, so some days are better than others, but these last few days have been good.” I then asked him how he was etc, and off we went. 1.5 hours later when he charged me for the work, he only charged me £6. I looked at it and said: “Hang on, £6? I’m robbing you!” He said that he had recently lost a friend to MS and would do whatever he could to help make life easier for someone else with the condition. He also added: “There’s a lot of shit in the world and we need to balance it out with kindness.” I was very grateful and moved. What a guy ❤️.
Earlier in the day, I was waiting in a garage for my car exhaust to be fixed. When I first walked in, the guy behind the counter asked me how I was, to which I replied: “Good, thanks. I’ve got Multiple Sclerosis, so some days are better than others, but these last few days have been good.” I then asked him how he was etc, and off we went. 1.5 hours later when he charged me for the work, he only charged me £6. I looked at it and said: “Hang on, £6? I’m robbing you!” He said that he had recently lost a friend to MS and would do whatever he could to help make life easier for someone else with the condition. He also added: “There’s a lot of shit in the world and we need to balance it out with kindness.” I was very grateful and moved. What a guy ❤️.
Reflection questions
- What challenges in your life do you experience?
- What is the emotional impact on you of these challenges?
- What strategies help you to keep putting one foot in front of the other at times of difficulty?
- Where do you find joy, even fleetingly?
References
Boiler, L., Haverman, M,, Westerhof, G., Riper, H., Smit, F., & Bohlmeijer, E. (2013). Positive psychology interventions: a meta-analysis of randomized controlled studies. BMC Public Health, 13:119.
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple. A Quick-Start Guide to ACT Basics and Beyond. New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA.
Mackesy, C. Image retrieved from https://x.com/charliemackesy/status/1357331201456041984, September 25th 2024.
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple. A Quick-Start Guide to ACT Basics and Beyond. New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA.
Mackesy, C. Image retrieved from https://x.com/charliemackesy/status/1357331201456041984, September 25th 2024.
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